If its someone from work that I have no personal relationship with, then Any plans this weekend? just sounds like office small talk, the forward-looking version of How was your weekend? If its someone I know personally, then Are you doing anything tomorrow? sounds like a way to try to trick me into agreeing to do something not-fun (because if it was fun, theyd ask outright). Theyre so nice and interested, they cant possibly be racist/microaggressive! "It's going well.". He didnt mention it at all, and he wasnt big into ice skating in years past, so I assumed he probably just wasnt interested. In the case of friends and dates, I feel like sometimes its a slightly manipulative way of getting me to do the actual asking / planning. I still have the same question of why do this? Its totally true that you can opt out of those things. The Captains advice is great. I have other plans. But if you just asked me if I have plans and I just admitted that I dont, then yeah, it can look pretty rude or hurtful if you invite me to something and I have to decline. Funny Responses to "How Are You?" (& Other Questions!) - Science of People It means Im doing nothing., Glorying in my splendid solitude how about you?. They also influence how OFTEN. I know that doesnt solve your overall problem, and I dont know what a reasonable solution is Im Sorry youre struggling right now. Texting gives you some time to think of clever or funny responses. For all that the Your X is Valid thing is trending nowadays, you still need to be able to have basic conversations with people, which includes stuff like this. Its not an actual request for information, its a greeting and acknowledgement of each others existence. This is OT, but if someone would like to explain how its supposed to work in the US, Id appreciate it. My father nearly died in my arms, and you cant meet me at the airport to show me you love me, because you dont like being told what to do? And my mom thought I was like the most studious kid ever, because I knew that if I ever looked like I had free time, she would fill it with chores, so I always had some kind of project to work on (I did have the grades to back this up or it wouldnt have worked). Even though Ive done the layering myself, I dont usually hear it as an attempt to give me all possible puts. I loathe this question, and Ive been getting it a lot lately. Can you babysit for me? Oh, Im sorry, but Im visiting my in-laws that day. It can feel and be interpreted as quite awkward/rude/offensive/surprising to respond with just No, I dont want to or No, Im not up for that Of course it would be so much healthier if everyone we interact with had taken Captain Awkward 101: Accepting Refusals Gracefully, but the fact is, for many people its much more comfortable to offer an excuse to soften a no. The method that has been the most successful for me is to ask one person if theyre available/interested in an event, work out a date, and then specify such event in a group chat. Its either a soft opening for an invite or a general small talk questionand in both cases, Oh, not sure yet, how about you? is going to be one thousand percent fine. Enjoying life and nothing else. 1. @freyasacksen I have a friend who will almost always respond with, Still alive. Always true. So the question layers, starting with are you free Saturday? Are a strategy Ive used to hopefully take the pressure off other people. This, maybe prefaced with mostly working or some generic busy thing. DP: As you know, [ note, I do not know ] I need someone to [ renew my library book | paint my bathroom | walk my parakeet | clean my cat litter ] and I hoped you might help. to invent some activity or decide how much to share), and 3.allowing you to then respond either positively or negatively to whatever suggestion comes next. Also it varies on friend one friend, if I ask him if hes free Friday, we both understand that means beer and movies until the early hours, by default. Or autistic natives; I know this one intellectually, but I still have a lot of trouble remembering in the moment that its usually not a real question, and Im also unsure how to respond when I do remember, because I dont like lying, and Im well/fine is usually a lie for me. It's to funny for everybody. Figuring out how my plans fit together is my problem, not anyone elses. Its hard to navigate things as just small talk when follow-up questions and comments quickly lead to territory I dont want to discuss. Although you risk hearing all about the questioners plans. Funny Responses To What Are You Doing Actively waiting for my problems to go away. There were several problems that led to the death of that relationship, but communication (on both sides) was for sure one of them. What are the usual scripts? I feel like its somewhat related to not saying no also). What are you up to this weekend? For an acquaintance, depends. I agree that its fully fair to say things like, Oh, Toastmasters isnt my thing, but thanks! Thats exactly what I meant by a soft deferral. - Ogden Nash - Old timers, weekends, and airplane landings are alike. I usually just respond with I have tentative plans with a friend why do you ask? Lots of wiggle room there. Theres an element of contempt to it, that this is what you would be doing with your time. Before people jump on this as reading too much into the situation, I want to point out that at in many, many cultures (I actually work on related research so Im familiar with a lot of academic studies on the topic), the preferred way to refuse a request for help is apology+reason e.g. I have strong memories of my MIL telling my husband, shortly after wed married, I need you to clean out the gutters. Or maybe you need to come this weekend and clean out the gutters. I really minded that! If you have people in your life who you trust not to get offended at this exchange, definitely give this method a try. Because people look forward to the weekend, they often start talking about it as early as Wednesday. (Rememberif she had specific other plans, thats a reasonable excuse. If you already made someone admit that they do not have Serious Plans, of course at this point saying no to your invitation is going to be so much more difficult, because its going to be rude! We cheerfully said we were free, assuming there was going to some festive get together and wanting to make friends. My friends do it alllll the time. It is a question that can be answered or echoed and nobody minds too much. And then deflect back on to them. @Kacienna: Im saying that because in other posts, people have literally advocated for saying just No, thanks! to an overture like We should get coffee sometime. And I mean that is not just going to burn bridges, that is going to blow them up, and not just with the person youre speaking toits going to look Super Off to observers and cost you with them as well. Some other commenters have pointed out that sometimes people use this question as an conversation opener or in order to seem polite while they actually want to tell about their own plans. Its not over-sensitivity when people react to it theyre reacting to what they know is likely to be underneath it.. A party people pop quiz so to speak. So now as far as she knows, I am very very very busy. Another example: My parents both corrected their local accents to American Standard Television English long before I was born, so I grew up with that accent myself. Thank you! to add: I think if there are people youre close to who do this a lot, like your sister, you can just tell them its a small thing but it bugs you and can they please ask a different way. Are you me? I agree!! Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. And I had to say to her, over the airport thing: Act like a grownup. Im white. (In this case it was never exactly meant to result in actually doing anything), Them We need to have lunch soon It can be a white lie! I have close friends that Ive been upfront with and say Im totally a hermit, but I do like to be invited to events and will make them sporadically. I dont have any good answers because that particular form of domestic abuse excessively leaning on the partner for a deluge of small things to the point it is messing up the partners life is pandemic in American culture right now, nearly always but not always done by men to women. Oh god then you might need to find less-jerky friends, probably. but I agreeparents of adult children (Hell, parents of NOT adult children) need to be more respectful of their childrens time and energy. Especially as its usually done over text, which (to me) precludes the idea of it being small talk. 4. Theres also I read the question; did all of you who are saying its only about the manipulative cases? Mind you, I am white and middle aged and cis-passing, if not actually middle class OR a lady, so this may not work as well for everybody Yes, my current circles understand introversion well, even the ones who themselves are extraverts . etc. If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. Nobody ever catches the other out (you said you were fine!) because the dance must be done. I particularly enjoyed the bergamot top notes in the. ME: Hi [Friend], Id like to plan a karaoke night with you, are you free [date] or [date]? I am not anyones manic pixie dream social secretary. What works for you? And it is really freaking wearing on them that people in the UK will correct them if they say theyre British. 30 Best Responses when Someone Asks "What Are You Doing" I can find someone else, so dont worry if youd rather not-Mittens likes you, so I thought of you first, but I know at least two people who have been angling for some alone time with the fountain., Translation: Here are all the ridiculous things I am asking for, and the dubious rewards I can offer in exchange. I automatically ask this without thinking about it pretty often. There was a bit at first, and SHE had some learning to do in terms of how she reacted (example: her dad said, Were going over to Grandmas tonight, and she started to blow up at us about making plans for her. Could be specific to where I am, though. 79 Funny And Flirty Response To "I Hate You" Better Responses Sadly its never QUITE a lie, hahaha. (Like, Im the kind of introvert who is good with people but I know a few who are just exhausting and who drain my battery super quickly), Could you have a conversation with her about, Were gonna have to schedule when all of our kids are walking to school. In my experience, soft invitations are never meant. I myself often do not care what Im eating because FOOD, but even if I have zero preference as to the restaurant, I will engage in the decision making process in order to help the other person out, and also because it gets us to food that much faster. (This could be walked back but it would require a decent amount of active displays of interest in me from the other person.). One morning when we were together he asked, So what are your plans for tonight? I said, Oh I dont know. If its just to bond, asking about past activities might be an easier way to accomplish this. And do you trust the asker not pull a But you SAID you were free, that means YOU PROMISED!(for me, someone who puts pressure on/pouts/lays on a guilt trip after I say no to an invitation gets an automatic LOL NOPE FOREVER response. Sometimes I feel like this is just another Hi, how are you? kind of question that can be sort of skipped over. Its setting off the Gift of Fear sirens in my head. Now shes supposed to go on a date with me if I ask for one!. I always do this, too, especially if I get the vibe they want something from me other than just hanging (like baby/pet-sitting). One thing I think might be getting lost a bit in the discussion is the distinction between asking What are you doing this weekend as small talk indicating Im interested in your life (e.g. Who on earth does #4, besides a small boy under 6? If you have a faaaaaaaamlyyyyyyyyyyyyyy culture where not providing free labor on demand for family makes you the jerk, lean in to it and accept the mantle of jerk; this frees you from ever needing to try to avoid that label in the future. The problem with these is that the aforementioned cousin who wants you to babysit may treat your I dont know as nothing at all, I have zero excuses. You need to know your audience, but it does work well for the nosy-only requests. Thinking of seeing [movie]. But people should take turns is different from someone else should always go first (or for gendered/other status reasons, I should always go first). Its all the other situations I listed that bother me the ones where I dont always know the purpose of the question / true intent of the asker, or I suspect its to get me to do something. Me: Dunno, but probably not. What are you doing Thursday? That said, you do have to be ok with saying no. We were asking about things they like or dont like about America compared to the countries they grew up in. They are asking whether you want to go on a date with them on Thursday. :) Hope you like our compilation and try to stay serious ,please . To me, thats pretty manipulative and when its done I generally conclude that its done on purpose. 65+ Funny Responses to Everyday Questions! - Self Development Journey Feel free to say no if youre busy/dont want to, usually leads to assurances that she *totally* does want to hang out, Saturday is great, etc. I think we can get trapped in endless circles of soft invitations where neither person ever gets the push to move forward, so Ive tried to get more into the habit of being explicit about a desire for the other person to act. I also like the advice to just tell people I interact with regularly that I dont like that question. These guys then hope the girl will then respond with relating a fun anecdote, to which the guy will respond by asking a question or two to keep her talking, and then hell think, Great! Which for neurotypical types, is something that may not be hard to adapt to, but youre kind of being set up to failbecause that kind of question is exactly the kind of thing you would have been taught to do in kindergarten. I think it can also be a way of getting to know a person, or the kind of small talk that people in some regions feel they HAVE to make if they want to be polite. Ex.1. Same thing you're doing, talking to you now. Im an introvert that needs enough time in my week for quieter things around my own home without people. It can mean I want to make plans if youre freewhich, for me at least, isnt so much plan it for me as planning is hard, lets establish if theres even an open time slot before we nail down the details. Detailing the event and a specific date is best. 101 Funny Weekend Memes to Ring in Positive Weekend Vibes - Winkgo Rock on, Helen. It forces the manipulators to cough up some version of their agendas, and galvanizes the friends with vague plans into issuing an actual invitation. If it is in fact a lead up to an invitation or request I can always either find room for it or say I dont have time. These people arent trying to gotcha! A little of this, a little of that. They help us tons, just because they love us and were family. Id like to do a bit better with my own kids. Rock the anger, LW. You'll Get Eaten Last. Ive never found it made any difference at all for invitations its not like I told them how much time each activity Im doing will require or what other boring chores I will also be doing. And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. Nothing? More words, people, not less. In the UK, most encounters respond with fine/good/grand, how are you?, In formal encounters, respond with how are you?. 200 Sarcastic Quotes 1. If the reason for you that you daughter should help you at X time with X thing is because family, is the reverse also true? Its the same here. I had a two-day conversation with my cat about vacuums versus lint rollers. I wish the day also comes with a lot of fun and blessing for you. It took a LOOOOONNNNGGG time to train them out of, What are you doing this weekend? I really appreciate the feedback from the Captain and other commenters about the need to own my time and feel more confident in my right to respond when and how I want to. You would think, right? Doing great, what are you doing here? If the emphasis is on you its just a greeting. Copyright 2011 thru 2023 Jennifer Peepas, all rights reserved. In fact, you probably have all of these thoughts when a guy asks, "What are you doing this weekend?". Its not really surprising when you think about the mechanics of it its basically stereotype threat / stereotype threat removed. 3. "It's happening.". LW, I forgot the part where you said some of this is coming from people youre chatting to on dating websites, and you feel like its an attempt to get you to plan the date. Silly Friend: what are you doing this weekend? I make it about my feelings for a bunch of reasons. Then they use your answer to decide if you're the sort of person who gets to join their clan and engage in merriment and shenanigans on a regular basis. D- Dearest relaxing days. I think thats why it can sometimes be difficult to answer? There is no need to think about what they're up to or why they sent you the . People use it for all sorts of reasons. When you joined a new job and your team leader or boss asked you about how you're doing, this is your honest answer and a way to show your enthusiasm. Yes, people use this question for all kinds of reasons, as LW said. LW, in case youre feeling that so many comments along these lines invalidate your feelings about the question or imply that youre making a big deal out of nothing, I wanted to chime in to say that my reaction to reading your letter was an immediate OMG YES can this question please die FOREVER?!. Theres a world of small talk out there that doesnt Other a person, and being genuinely curious is not a justification for anything. Why, whats up?, Yessss exactly. That's why this is one of the funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" that you should keep in mind. Especially since they explicitly mention friends, relatives, and people on dating sites. Thats a very uncomfortable and isolating feeling. Three-day weekends would be perfect if they were just four days longer. It feels like they expect me to put in the majority of the effort, and it would be nice if once in a while instead of saying I dont see you enough they would say Would you be up for meeting up at the coffee shop on my town on Saturday if [their issues] allow? But its not something thats going to change, so I smile and nod at their noises and continue to plan things with them at exactly the rate I feel like doing so (including making extra effort if theyre going through a really tough thing). I get annoyed when family members pose the invitation as Youre coming to Grans on Saturday, right? To which Im like, Uh, whats happening on Saturday? And they stare at me like Im a monster for not knowing it was Sallys third step daughters cousins middle school graduation theyre celebrating on Saturday. Is it a throwaway social nicety, or a veiled attempt to get you to accept a task or invite? Other commenters have given great scripts. I live in a face culture, so saving the face of the invitee who wants to turn your invitation down is very important. ME to GROUP CHAT: [Friend] and I are planning karaoke on [date] If you are available and interested, please let me know by [date] and Ill reserve a room! You are doing things and going places. If someone asked why I was asking such a nosy question, I would apology-barf all over them, then call my wife, my mother, and my best friend and ask them what I was supposed to do instead. in a family meeting you decide that father empties the dishwasher, daughter cooks on weekdays, mother cooks on weekends or whatever) which also lets her develope that skills. I understand the concept, but it seems to me that getting an invitation after revealing that you were nominally free at that time would make refusal even harder, not easier. Im glad for the above scripts! I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. People here are talking about changing a norm, but you have in fact learned the norm correctly, and Im sure this whole conversation feels like slipping sand beneath your feet. I think it would be helpful for folks to give LW the benefit of the doubt that she/he is not taking the time to write in to an advice column over very simple coworker small talk questions. I dont know? But, in the long run, in my life, I think the conflict over emotional labor and fair division of chores, while sometimes painful and frustrating, was something we were able to move past when I moved out because I never felt unsafe. Me: Nope. You have actually internalized a very common social rule. Good luck! This is probably part of why I am frustrated by this conversation, because by most conventional social norms, you are actually doing nothing wrong. I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. Situation #4: You have to say "no.". In fact this letter reminds me a lot of a lady I knew once who moved to the US from a different english-speaking country and took offense to people asking her where she was from when they heard her accent. 13 "It was so relaxing. Funny Responses To How Are You Save Image: Shutterstock Somewhere between better and best. Just about the only good answer is, That doesnt work for me/us, followed by, Asked and answered, when they dont want to take that answer. I completely agree that when it comes to a duty (like babysitting) this question is somewhat unfair. Ive had good luck with, Fantastic! because no matter what is happening to me, I am still fantastic in various ways. But its all about context, and thats not the context the LW is talking about. 2. Its okay if I dont want to share the details of what Im reading with coworkers. I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend. 8. (beaming smile) (speaking a bit slowly) So you go on (big cheery gesture) on your own because youre interrupting our discussion time.. If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. Oh, such discerning eyes. All of these situation have the same question in them, but they are not remotely all one situation. And then coming up with all kinds of bizarre but obvious lies about how they reason theyre acting that way is solely for *my* benefit. LW was quite clear that the coercive uses of it are the problem that makes LW resentful, which is not at all an extreme response, but a healthy one. What to Say: "Thank you, I had a great weekend.". Happy Weekend Wishes, Messages and Quotes - WishesMsg I get a bit awkward when people ask me that question too, because of the whole half-agreeing to plans before theyre actually exposed (I never considered it nosy personally but I can see how it might come across that way). #1078: Sooooooowhat are you doing thisweekend?, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. I usually respond Why do you need to know? unless its someone I really trust. Nowadays I usually use The Captains great script: I do not know yet, I have to check my calendar. Them We need to have lunch soon How are you? Thats my go-to when someone asks me what I am doing at some point in the near future. How am I right now? And sometimes its due to the other person not grasping the soft no/non-answer to drop the conversation (generally people I am not already friends with, like the one bank teller who keeps on asking* and that I do find nosy/irritating). 150+ Funny and Witty Answers to the Question "How Are You?" I have actually thought about writing in about this one as well. But I dont want to? I also feel compelled to give easy ways out when I feel like Im making a request, including ending requests with and no is a perfectly acceptable answer.. The second interpretation of this question is, what are you doing in life? 8 Funny Replies To "Hahaha" Text Better Responses But Im willing to bet that LW knows that, and the reason he/she feels annoyed with the people asking it in his/her life are because theres a pattern and something bigger at work like maybe people trying to get him/her to do stuff, or, as he/she noted, people who want to hang out, but with him/her doing all the planning work. I dont know whether youre being too thoughtful or not thoughtful enough here. They know this. It is one of my pet peeves. I just want to jump in to point out that the medium of communication also matters! Find an answer. If you have never phrased commands to her that way, yup, thats on her. Yup. The underlying assumption, is/. Next week, tell me how it went? And then make myself a note to specifically ask about it. Interesting. And then when you part somebody accidentally says love you, too. Thats how it always happens for me, anyway. He hardly ever asks anymore though. The Captain covered it with saying the question isnt going away. Instead, choose from these five replies. I feel like something mundane like chores will get some pushback, or wont be seen as a task that takes up the whole day(s) off (if I do laundry Saturday, I can still go out Sunday! I think it goes back to the same annoyng assumption there are people who assume your time is theirs. Oh, stop it, will you? At the very least, it makes you feel like the place you live isnt really your homethat youll never belong or be from there, that you have no claim to it. On the other hand, being around them makes my shoulders go up around my ears. But again, that often leads to a fraught conversation or hurt feelings that arent worth dealing with. We teach children that they must answer questions put to them by adults, that they have no choice in the matter. Totally fair and perfectly polite. Nothing much. (To the point where one of my coworkers will sometimes ask What are you doing this weekend? As a young black woman in the US, she of course had been steeped in spotting such people her whole life. K- keep a distance from work. If she has problems with overbearing family, then she needs to learn how to deal with overbearing family, but shes still gonna have to function at People Interactions 101, which includes whatre you doing this weekend., Its actually amazing how much supposedly required stuff you can avoid doing by just not doing it (sadly depending on your level of privilege; Im speaking from a white cis-woman perspective). Me: Yeah, Ive got some stuff I have to get done. after reading a ton of CAs archives I feel comfortable telling people, Im up to nothing both Saturday and Sunday, and I CANNOT WAIT. Ive seen too many nightmare scenarios of late, in the wake of the Aziz Ansari mess, that start out exactly like you are describing. If she wants to NOT have some other grownup setting a price on her activities occasionally, she can get a job and move out, and then I wont be saying, a couple of times a month, if youre home tonight, I need you for X.. At the same time, someone can just say oh not much if they dont wanna share, which is what I do if my plans that night are private eg therapy. Call me. Does *your* phone not work? I can see where laundry might be a perfectly good excuse NOT to go with your aunt to somewhere you dont want to go. I recognize that the question can DEFINITELY be used to intentionally or unconsciously other people, Her problem with it seemed more about having to answer it ALL the time than any implied racism or xenophobia. 18. At least Im bright enough to stay out of the control panel and remember my passwords. In general, most people will expect a response like this when they . Apologize IMMEDIATELY and never ask me that again!. Her Kid: are you ready to come to school? If they really are trying to manipulate you then Im afraid having just the right words wont fix it you will probably have to say no directly when they finally get to their request. (If they meant the invitation) Them : OH! Good enough. LW, if it makes you feel any better, when many people ask this question, they arent doing it to trap you into something (though some are, of course). I love this response: not sure what Ill be in the mood for. What sounds good on Wednesday is not always what I want to do on Saturday. That question from certain people stresses me too! How hard is it, whats the timing, is it just for me personally (thats a favor), or is it for the greater familyHER greater family? Whaaaaaat. How about you?. Thanks! Setting that aside for the moment, its apparently *supposed* to go like this: With friends, I might have the motive of finding time to hang, but often its just to find something to talk about. It means people will help you less, go out of their way for you less, give you poorer recommendations for your next job, and on and on.